Peek A Boo !

We have a Shelf Elf. 

His name is Norf Dorf.

He's about 4" tall, stocky, and has bright lime green hair that sticks straight up - bursting out of the top of his top hat.  He looks suspiciously like one of those "so-ugly-they're-cute" troll dolls that were popular back in the 80's/90's.

ok, he actually IS one of those troll dolls that was popular back in the 80's/90's.

Norf Dorf hides somewhere different in our house every day and observes the manners he sees being practiced.  Then every night, after the Grommets go to sleep, he magically whisks himself away to the North Pole to report directly to Santa the manners of the day.  Once his report is complete, he returns to our home and hides again to repeat the ceremony.

He usually shows up right around the time we set our Christmas Tree up, and on Christmas Eve, he hides within the Christmas Tree itself, excited to watch my Angels tear through their diligently-earned Christmas Bounty.

He has some pretty amazing hiding places:  On the topmost shower soap dish, suspended from the light fixture in the hallway,  peeking from behind potted house plants, nestled in the basket containing our toothbrushes and toothpaste (holding a toothbrush of his own, of course), balancing on the top of door or window casings, replacing the baby Jesus in the manger of our porcelain Nativity, etc.  Sometimes he has bows in his hair, sometimes he removes his jacket or his shoes, sometimes he has lipstick on, and other times his clothes will be on backwards...  One morning he was bearing letters to the children, and often, when we listen with our hearts, we can here him singing and talking to us.

As it's important that his hiding place is novel, convincing, and n'er repeated - especially since he has to be kept out of reach of the kids (if he gets touched by people, he goes back to the North Pole and won't come back to our house till next year) -  I have multiple opportunities in this cozy cottage of mine for creativity when deciding how/where to hide him each night. Sometimes it's just a pain in my butt and I want to just get the heck into bed.

Well, the other night, Norf Dorf decided to hang suspended, upside down, from the pull cord of one of our ceiling fans.  The fob at the end of the pull cord is a beautiful 2" long, faceted, clear crystal.  I dutifully twisted and tugged and wrapped the cord around one of his legs and wedged him "just right" with the cord and the fob to give the amazing illusion of magical, daring, watchful inversion.  My efforts paid off and he looked great.  I went to bed excited for the girls to discover him in the morning.

"MOM!  MOM!  Wake up!" they shouted, long before the sun considered peeking over the horizon, "come look!!"  ... and then they laughed and laughed and laughed.  "Mommmmmmmmm-- wake up!  Come look at the Shelf Elf!  He's hiding in the fan and he thinks the diamond is his penis!!  Come look!!!  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!"

Yeah - the way I had wedged the crystal fob had created a magnificently obvious phallus standing tall and clear between his legs.

oops.

20 Things I Say to my Grommies Every Day

 Yes, every single day,  I say every one of these things (plus several more):

1)  I love to be your Mama
2)  Wanna know why I'm the luckiest Mama in the world?  'cuz I get to have you for my kid
3)  Oooooh - you smell like Heaven
4)  Come over here and let me kiss you - I wanna know what Angels taste like
5)  How did you get so freakin' smart?
6)  You are an awesome sister/friend/cousin/daughter/etc...
7)  You ROCK!  (This is Fairy Princess' favorite.  When she wakes up every morning, she comes and snuggles next to me in my bed then starts right in with:  "Mama, Good Morning, wake up!  Can I open your blinds?  Do I rock?)
8)  No, you may not have sugar cereal.  That's not real food - it's candy.  If you want to eat candy for breakfast you'll have to go to someone else's house to get it.   ("Mama," asks my Mermaid with genuine concern, "why do people give their kids candy for breakfast?")
9)  I love you
10)  Oh wow - you look super cute / beautiful / colorful / etc
11)  I love the way you: did your hair / matched your clothes / colored inside the lines / cleared your dishes / played with your sister / shared / etc
12)  Get in there and brush those Germ Bugs out of your teeth.  Top, bottom, front, back, inside and outside.  Then brush your tongue and spit!
13)  Step one is to pick up the dress-ups and put them in the treasure chest . . .  Step two is to pick up the musical instruments and put them into the music drawer . . .  Step three is to put the books back in the bookcase . . . 
14)  Ohhhh honey,  It's ok - I would cry too if that happened to me
15)  Phew!  It's a good thing your body knows how to heal itself!
16)  If someone is acting mean it's because they want some extra love
17)  You have a way cool Daddy and he loves you a lot. 
18)  Uh, uh.  Stop right now.  You get to use your GOOD manners
19)  If you don't want to eat your food, then you can go in and take a nap.  Your body is ready for some energy and the best two ways to get it right now are eating or sleeping. Which one are you going to choose?  (The "standard lunchtime discussion" I have with the Fairy Princess)
20)  Good night, sleep tight, don't let the waterbugs bite.  (They informed me that it was WATERBUGS not bedbugs who wanted to bite them . . . "duh, mom" . . .)

And it's true, all true.

Livin' and Lovin'
~da Renegade Mama

Has my Secret Identity been compromised already???

Good Golly! 

I don't do Facebook or any other "LOOK WORLD HERE'S MY LIFE" sorta thing.  (Well, with the exception of this blog ... but I write it with a secret identity). I kinda like anonymity in regards to the World At Large. 

Ok, just kidding, I REALLY like anonymity when it comes to the World At Large.

So imagine my surprise when Pu raced over here yesterday to show me "something funny".

I attended a wedding last Sunday.  Apparently, one of the guests (who is also my friend) snapped a pic of me and my kids.  No big deal.

Then he posted it on his Facebook page amid the other 90000 pics he took at the wedding.  If he'd have asked my permission, I'd have said "no", but he didn't know any better, so - owell, can't win 'em all...

What Pu zipped over to show me, however, were the comments that were made about my photo.  She thinks it's HILARIOUS. 

Some lady from God Knows Where somehow thought it was fascinating to look at six billion wedding pictures of someone else's wedding, and with her eagle eyes singled out the one photo featuring me and my grommets. 

"I know this lady!" she posted all excited-like, "she lives in xxxxx (city) and I recognize her kids - they attend xxxx elementary school!  I see them there every morning!"

Holy God!  Damn good thing she doesn't know my name!  Sheesh!  In this day and age, it takes a lot of concerted effort to stay "off the grid" - I'm glad I'm not in the Witness Protection Program - I'd already be at the bottom of the Hudson with cement shoes!

ANYWAY - just for the record:  Not everyone in the world wants their picture on Facebook, on your personal Web Page or passed around in email. 

It's just fine if YOU like it . . .  I trust you'll honor that some people don't. 

'nuff said.  ROCK ON~

Children of the Corn

I'm not sure if it was Xrad or I who was the first to refer to our children as "Children of the Corn" in a moment of chaos. I babysit her kids regularly and they are often really "creatively behaved" - frequently inspiring me to feel crazy.  Mine just get psycho hyper and only sometimes inspire me to feel crazy - ESPECIALLY when they're tired.


Take for example what's happening right now:

The Mermaid and Fairy Princess have just emerged from the bath.  They are chasing each other around the front room trying to "kick each other in the nuts".  Um, they're both girls, remember?  The Mermaid just slipped on the floor, due to her wet feet and conked her head on the hardwood floor with a resounding "KONK".

Now she's wailing as if the world were about to end while The Fairy Princess is doing the chicken dance.

1 min later: Mermaid's jumping on the couch - upside down
22 seconds later later: She's emptied a puzzle onto the floor.
Concurrently:  Fairy Princess is asking me if her hair looks clean
Concurrently:  Mermaid is singing that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow
Oh, and now Fairy Princess is reciting over and over again, as if repeating a spiritual mantra, "I wanna go to bed I wanna go to bed I wanna go to bed I wanna go to bed" WHILE doing the chicken dance -- oh wait, now they're both repeating it and jumping on the couch upside down.
Now Mermaid is sitting in the middle of the floor asking Fairy Princess to guess where she is.....

And, like the Energizer Bunny, it's going on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Pause here -- You know, ESPECIALLY since they're requesting it over and over again via their mantra, I'm gonna go put them in bed right now... back in a sec......

Oh, wait, their jammas aren't on yet and they're asking to play on the computer, asking for a snack (dinner was 30 mins ago), asking to watch a movie, asking to call their dad, asking to wash the dishes, asking if we can decorate for Halloween, asking if they can play at their cousins' house . . .

Um, no.

Supervising the putting-on of  jammas on and THEN putting them into bed.  Be back in a few . . .
...
...
Visiting for a sec while they brush their teeth.  Fairy Princess just informed me that she has a movie theatre in her mouth playing a Barbie movie, and that there are also Dora Germs she's getting rid of.  (When I assist them with brushing, I make silly comments about how I can see polka-dot bugs or fishy bugs, or whatever else kind of bugs in their mouths and I talk and sing to those bugs as I brush them away.  Mermaid still believes that I'm actually seeing real physical Germ Bugs, and laments that I can see them and she can't.  "I'm looking with my Fairy Eyes," I tell her.  Fairy Princess, however, caught quite quickly and plays along with gusto.)  K - back to brushing and bedtime . . .

...
...
...
...

Today was Crazy Hair Day at Mermaid's school.  In honor of the fine occasion, I put Fairy Princess', Lady Leprechaun's and My hair up into fancy multi-colored 'do's as well.  Perhaps it was my rainbow-striped-sparkly fauxhawk that inspired them to lick the inside of every freezer door in the supermarket while I was selecting frozen vegetables.  Maybe it was Mermaid's little extra boost of confidence from having the Coolest Crazy Hair in Kindergarten that led her to do cartwheels in the baby food aisle.  It could have been the fact that Lady Leprechaun only had two colors in her hair while the rest of us were veritable rainbow-heads that inspired her to bite Dream Boy because he got to ride in the seat of the shopping cart and she got stuck in the basket.  Or maybe that's why she stacked up the bread to make a seat for herself there ... I wonder ...

As a general rule, my Rugrats are exceptionally well-behaved.  They're smart, cute and follow instructions nicely (I abhor the word "obey").  They're courteous, helpful and friendly --- even with their own siblings.   There is not a friend's house they've visited whose mother hasn't complimented me on their fantastic manners and genial personalities.


Today, however, they have absolutely earned the title "Children of the Corn."

.... and they're asleep AT LAST!  (ha ha, it's not even 8:30 pm yet ... "at last" ... ha ha!!)

One last note:  Xrad called her grommies "Children of the Corn" the other day.  Her 8 year old daughter, Oddie, asked, "Mom, why do you always call us that?"   Xrad replied, "Because I'm beginning to believe that you're Demon Spawn."  Oddie only took a split second to respond:

"Mom, doesn't that make you a demon?"

Rock On SmartyPants!

Sixth Graders Buying Beer?

ok, so I've just gotta say - 

I just learned why the gas station across the street from my house doesn't sell beer.

And even though I'm a mama who hopes her children never delve into the world of alcoholism, all I can think is "You've gotta be kidding"

First off, and for the record, I'm not a beer drinker.  Quite frankly, it tastes like crap.  Pu and Xrad, however, love it.

So, every Friday nite the three of us do "girls night".  It's a chance for Xrad to get away from her 10,000,000 kids, for Pu to think about something other than dehydrated Africans, and for me to remember what it feels like to be a person who isn't singularly addressed as "mommmmmmmm". (did you hear the whine in that?)

We drink.

Xrad and Pu like beer and pizza.  I'm much more a fan of fasting and wine.

ANYWAY . . . Xrad went to the across-the-street gas station tonight to get pizza and beer.  (Their "John Gotti pizza pie is FANTASTIC).  There was no beer anywhere in the gas station.  No, nowhere.  How about THAT folks?

Being the tenacious, intelligent, uninhibited girl that she is, Xrad asked the cashier "So, uh, where's the beer?"

Guess what.  There really is no beer.  At the gas station across the street.

Wanna know why?

Because it's too close to an elementary school.

Last time I checked, there weren't many 5 year olds purchasing beer.

Last time I checked, a 12 year old (you know, the age of pretty much ALL sixth graders) couldn't pull off buying beer with a fake ID.

Yeah. 

It's true - I do worry about Chester D. Molester finding my kids.  I guess I should feel safe now, though, since he can't buy his beer within 1 mile of their school.

Phew.  I'm gonna sleep better tonight.